


full moon’s light

by reedus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1970s, Abusive Relationships, Animagus, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bisexual Sirius Black, Blood and Injury, Bullying, Chaptered, Character Death, Cheating, Consensual Underage Sex, Drinking, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, England (Country), Eventual Smut, Everyone is Bisexual, F/M, Gritty, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Metamorphmagus, Original Character(s), Originally Posted Elsewhere, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Pre-War, Protective Remus Lupin, Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Recreational Drug Use, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Rewrite, Severus Snape Bashing, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Smut, Torture, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Warnings May Change, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Wizarding Wars (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:28:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26138896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reedus/pseuds/reedus
Summary: Having been an outcast for her whole life, Lyra Harper finds herself entwined with the Marauders and Lily Evans in her seventh and final year of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.As the rumors of a potential wizarding war grows, so does Lyra's relationships with her new found friends, both platonic and romantic.To truly embrace these new relationships, Lyra must confront her tragic past and allow herself to accept the love she deserves.--------------------------------------------------------------Reworking of my old fanfic from a different website. [previously titled “sing to see dead dreams come alive”]
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 48





	1. feel like things have got to change.

**Author's Note:**

> hi all, 
> 
> so I wrote this story about 8 years ago on a different website (link below hehe), and I wanted to try rewrite it as it was one of the few stories I ever finished lol. i reread it recently and it was super cringe but i thought if i could rework it, it could be a decent story, maybe? so I hope you will give it a chance and let me know what you think. 
> 
> also I changed the title, and the main character’s name from Sidney Harper to Lyra Harper, I just thought Lyra is a name that would must likely be in the Harry Potter universe and I’m also just not the biggest fan of the name Sidney for this character anymore. hope that isn’t too weird if you've read the original. 
> 
> anyways hope you enjoy! x
> 
> og: https://www.quotev.com/story/1436590/Why-The-Sudden-Change-of-Heart-Marauders-Love-Story/1

It was a humid night out in Cokeworth, a large town situated in the Midlands of England. Cokeworth was home to the people who once worked in the mill that has since shut down, the huge ominous chimney of said mill loomed over the town as a reminder of what once was. The town was always grey, both in weather and in life; rarely would you hear a squeal of delight from a child or the lilts of music down the terrace house lined streets. The only prominent noise was a couple arguing in their sitting room, or the scream of a fox during its nightly forage of the rubbish that lined the pathways. However, often a screech of an owl could be heard soon after the moon rose and again before the sun made its way over the horizon.

On this night a screech of an owl was what woke me from my dreamless sleep. I woke with such a start that I fell from my twin bed, my hand frantically fumbling around in the dark, searching for my wand. Finally, once my fingers gripped the end of my wand, I muttered “Lumos” and a bright blue-white light illuminated my bedroom. A strange owl sat on my windowsill, tilting its head as I lay confused on the floor. I noticed a letter tied to the owl’s leg, and cautiously moved towards the owl, snatching the letter from it once I was close enough.

I turned the letter over and over in my hand with my brow furrowed. I never got letters, I didn’t have any friends at my school – Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry – and I didn’t have any relatives; it was just my and me parents. I slipped my fingernail under the wax seal and popped it open. The letter read;

_Dear Lyra,_

_I hope you are well. I know this is out of the blue, but I was thinking about you because I saw you recently. Firstly, I want to say that I’m sorry for never really talking to you before, it was wrong of me to never even try. But I want to change that, hopefully get to know you this year? I live near Spinner’s End, it’s just two streets down from your house. I was hoping that we could hang out tomorrow? Do owl back soon,_

_Lily Evans x_

I held back a snort of laughter. Lily Evans wanted to hang out with me?! It had to be some cruel prank. Just as I was about to shoo away Lily Evans’s owl, a twinge of hope fluttered in my heart. Maybe Lily actually did want to _try_ be friends with me. Perhaps this was an opportunity for me to have a friend, not just any friend but Lily Evans! One of the most popular girls in the whole school and one of the best witches too. Feeling brave, I rushed to my trunk and pulled out parchment, a quill and ink and began my reply;

_Dear Lily,_

_I hope you’re having a nice summer so far. I would like to hang out tomorrow, just let me know the time and place._

_Lyra Harper x_

_P.S. I really hope this isn’t some sort of cruel joke._

I sealed my letter with my own wax seal and tied it to Lily’s owl. Before the owl left, I offered it a treat as a peace offering, which it gladly accepted, along with a little head scratch. With butterflies in my stomach, I sat on my bed, watching as the owl flew over the roofs of the silent houses on my street.

It felt like time moved extra slowly as I sat cross legged peering over the rooftops of my neighbours for a glimpse of Lily’s owl. I began absent-mindedly picked at the skin on my thumb, peeling bad a small layer of skin, an old habit I had yet to shake. Just as I was losing hope, beginning to believe that this was some kind of dream, a flutter of wings and feathers landed once again on my windowsill; Lily’s owl had returned!

I took the letter from the owl, my hand shaking and quietly read over Lily’s beautiful handwriting. A smile crept across my lips as I read the words agreeing to hang out with me – Lily said she would “pop around at 1pm” to my house, which both excited and worried me for a magnitude of reasons. With still shaking hands, I wrote a quick reply agreeing before climbing back underneath my blanket, shivering despite a coating of sweat on my palms and the back of my neck.


	2. say something warm, say something nice.

Somehow sleep found me.

At 10am I awoke, feeling nauseous and groggy. I turned my attention to my open window, my eyes trying to adjust to the bright light that was the grey overcast sky. Another typical day in Cokeworth. Sighing, I swung my legs over the edge of my bed, my feet padding onto the cold wooden floor. The day has already started for the masses around the country – as for Cokeworth, most people didn’t rise until 11am, if you were lucky.

I could hear someone walking around the kitchen downstairs, the gentle melody of a soft song floated up the stairs from the small radio on the kitchen counter. It had to be my father, Reginald. He loved music in the morning, but my mother rarely allowed it. Smiling, I quietly left my room and crept downstairs, careful to stay clear of my mother.

In the kitchen, my father was making coffee and humming along to the song that was still playing. He cracked a wide smile as I walked in, which filled my heart with warmth and peace.

“Morning my little harp,” he said beaming. “Nice blue today Lyr!” Reginald ruffled his daughter’s hair, messing up my already messy bed head.

“Thanks dad,” I said rolling my eyes. “Uh, dad… can I have someone over today?” I began picking at the skin on her thumb again, my eyes focused on the tiles beneath my feet.

“Of course, Lyr. Who it is?”

“Um, Lily Evans. She’s in my year at school and she lives two streets over-”

“Evans? I had no idea they had a witch daughter… must be hard being muggleborn at times. Hmm..”

“Is that okay dad?” I asked, suddenly uncertain, the roots of my hair turning black.

“Of course, harp.” Reginald smiled at his daughter lovingly. “Now,” he rubbed his hands together. “I better make your mother breakfast and you better get ready for your friend.”

I smiled and backed out of the kitchen, my eyes avoiding the framed picture on the shelf in the hallway as I made my way upstairs to my bedroom.

Even after showering and getting dressed for the day with Lily, I still had had three hours to pass. Needing to stretch my legs and not wanting to spend time with my mother, I told my parents that I was going for a short walk. Once I was far enough from my house and was certain no one was around me, I changed form from human to a large dark dog that could easily be mistaken for a wolf. Some people call it shapeshifting, but in the wizarding world it is known as transformation, more specifically an Animagus. I am an unregistered Animagus, deciding to become one after the trauma that happened me in my early adolescence. My Metamorphmagus abilities was something I was born with but becoming an Animagus was something I worked hard for and was proud of achieving such a skill before I had turned fifteen. That was almost two years ago now, and each time I change to my Animagus form, I feel more human, oddly enough. Things were better in this form; I had more time to think – or not think if I felt like it – and no one bothered me. Who would willingly approach a large mysterious dog that seemed to appear out of thin air? Exactly. Therefore, I prefer being in this form.

The one thing about being in a dog form is that time slips away from you and I soon found myself rushing back to my house, hoping that Lily wasn’t stuck listening to my mother complain about Cokeworth and how she wished she lived in a big manor in a wizarding village. I could hear her now: “pureblood wizarding families shouldn’t have to hide away in a muggle town, we should be living among our kind, but my stupid husband here had to go and get himself disowned.” She was definitely smoking one of her foul-smelling cigarettes too. Fuck, poor Lily.

I ran up to my house – human form – just as Lily walked to the small gate. I tried to catch my breath as Lily stood there, her hand on the gate, smiling at me.

“Lyra!” She beamed as she said my name. Only one other person in the world smiled when they said my name and that was my father. My heart hammered in my chest.

“Hi Lily,” I took a deep breath and began talking “I’m sorry, I was out for a walk and lost track of time and now I’m all sweaty and out of breath and anxious and I’m rambling shit fuck! Do you wanna come in?” I rubbed my forehead, cursing myself for being an idiot.

Lily laughed wholeheartedly, “I’d love to!” She grabbed my arm, pulling me along with her. I opened the front door and allowed Lily to step into my home, praying that my mother was still in her bedroom. I peered down the hallway, scanning the kitchen for my mother when I heard a commotion upstairs.

“Hey, let’s go chill in my room,” I said bringing my eyebrows together and slightly pulling Lily up the stairs. Luckily we managed to get to my room without bumping into anyone, and I closed the door behind us to make sure it would stay that way. Lily sat on my bed – that was made up for once – smiling as she looked around my room, her eyes lingering on the small framed photograph on top of my dressing table.

“So, this isn’t a joke eh?” I said, trying my hand at small talk.

Lily looked at me, her eyes glinting with happiness and a tint of pity. “Of course not Lyra,” she patted the spot beside her on my bed. I sat. “I know I haven’t exactly been the nicest to you, but I decided to try change that. I think we could be good friends.” She placed her hand on mine, her eyes shining bright with hope. I took a shaky breath in, my hair turning a shade of forest green.

A colour of hope.


	3. so carry on, my dear.

Sometimes having a pinch of hope pays off. This was one of those times. After a month of hanging out nearly every day, sleepovers, secrets, and gossip, I can safely say that Lily Evans and I are good friends. It’s crazy how one person can really change your life, how they can enter it and shift every perspective and notion you’ve ever had. Lily did that for me, she made me realise that I’m worth something, that I deserve friends. I’m so glad that I can call her my friend. Could she be my best friend? I like to think so.

On this night me and Lily were hanging out in her back garden with a couple of beers when a knock on her front door interrupted our conversation. Her parents were visiting friends and her sister Petunia was sulking in her bedroom – which she often did when I was here. Lily went to answer the door, a straight shot from the back-garden door to the front door. I turned my head as I heard Lily sigh after she opened the door and watched as she walked back towards me with someone trailing behind her. She plopped back onto her chair, picking up the box of Marlboro Golds she smokes. I raised an eyebrow at her and turned my attention to the person standing in the doorway: James Potter. Seeing him standing there almost made me drop my beer.

“Harper?” James asked, accusingly.

“Potter. How lovely.” I rolled my eyes and held my hand out for the lighter as I suddenly found myself in need of a cigarette.

“Odd one Lil,” James said nodding his head in my direction. “Anyways… I came to see if you’d like to come to Sirius’s party Lil. It’s next Friday.”

“Can Lyra come?” Lily asked, the first time I heard her say anything to James.

“Seriously?” James huffed, eyeing me up and down. “If I say yes will you come Lily?” Lily nodded her head, taking a drag from her cigarette. James chewed on his lip. “Okay, you can come Harper. No weird shit though.”

“Can’t promise that Potter.” I laughed, making my eyes flash a multitude of colours in a few seconds. James tried to suppress a smile.

“All right. See you both next Friday. It’s at my place by the way, you know where that is don’t you Lily?” James said with a smirk. Lily rolled her eyes but nodded. James smiled. “Bye then.” He winked and strutted away, leaving Lily and I alone, with cigarette smoke hanging in the air. 

“So…” I said leaning back in my chair, its front legs rising from the ground, a devilish smile playing on my lips. “You know where Potter’s house is.” Lily looked like she was about to scream but instead kicked the leg of my chair, causing me to tilt too far back in fright and fall on my ass. “Bitch.” I muttered as she laughed, the sound floating high and clear above the rooftops..


	4. don't let your youth go to waste

Unfortunately, the dreaded Friday came around all too quickly. Lily and I stood at the fireplace in my house, looking at the floo powder in the jar I was holding.

“We can always just not go.” I suggested.

“I want to go Lyr. But not without you.” Lily said, looking at me with those big green eyes.

“You just wanna go so you and Potter can sneak off and have sex,” I laughed as she hit me playfully on my arm. “Am I wrong?” She hit me again. I sighed deeply as I took a handful of the Floo powder. “Let’s do this.” Lily smiled as she took some powder too.

“I’ll go first.” Lily said as I put the jar back on the mantelpiece. She stepped into the fireplace and cleared her throat before saying “Potter Manor.” With a flash of green flames, Lily disappeared. My palms began to sweat, and my mouth felt dry as I stepped into the fireplace, but I knew I had to be clear when using the Floo system. I took a deep breath, exclaimed “Potter Manor” and suddenly there was green flames around me. For a moment, the air rushed past me and then I found myself standing in the fireplace of a completely unfamiliar house, with Lily in front of me brushing some dust off her clothes.

“Good trip?” She winked at me. I laughed and began to brush off the flecks of dust on my clothes too. This room was vacant, but we could hear some music and chatter above us. We looked at each and began our journey to find the source of the party. Although the Potter Manor is enormous, it only took us a couple of minutes to find the room that the so called Marauders were in. 

It was a cosy room, with three plush couches, a large window overlooking the garden and a turntable that was omitting easy rock around the room. As we entered the room, four sets of eyes met ours; James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. The Marauders. I shifted my feet as James hopped up from his seat on the couch and made his way towards us.

“Ladies!” James said as he extended his arms as if he was going to hug us both. “So glad you made it! Nice hair today Harper,” he picked up a strand of my cherry red hair and tickled my nose with it, making me scrunch up my nose and lightly laugh. “And you, my Lily-flower, look beautiful as always.” Lily nearly turned as red as her hair as James took her hand and led her to the couch he was previously sitting on. I stood watching for a moment, but just as I was about to sit, Sirius leapt out of his seat.

“Harper. I don’t remember inviting you.” Sirius moved towards me, towering over me. I took a breath in, raising my head to meet his grey eyes.

“Lay off her Padfoot,” James said not looking away from Lily. “I told you Lily was bringing a friend.” Sirius rolled his eyes, huffing a reply to James.

I smiled, reaching inside my handbag, and pulling out two bottles of vodka. “Am I invited now?” Sirius’s eyes darted between my eyes and the bottles I was holding in my hands. As he reached out for one, his fingers brushed against mine, causing his eyes to dart to mine again.

“Yeah, all right, cool.” He shrugged as he opened the bottle and took a swing from one. I finally let go of the breath I didn’t know I was holding in and sat down at the end of the couch with Remus Lupin on it. I opened the second bottle of vodka, chugging a lot of it, hoping to ease my nerves and stifle my anxiety, and offered it to Remus. He caught my eye as he took the bottle from me, giving me a slight smile. I felt my cheeks warm and turned my eyes down toward my handbag on my lap. The soft sound of Led Zeppelin floated from the turntable around the room, and although the volume wasn’t remarkably high, it was the loudest noise in the room. Apart from the thudding of my blood in my ears and the whispered conversation between James and Lily. My arrival had seemed to stop the party in its tracks, and I suddenly wished very much that I were at home. Or better yet, running through the fields. Anywhere but here.

You could cut the bad atmosphere in the room with a knife. Everyone could feel it. James Potter clearly had enough of the tension and dislike that was emitting from me and Sirius and Remus. James rushed pass us, out of the door and down the stairs. I raised my eyebrow at Lily who just shrugged in a response. James reappeared two minutes later, with six glasses in his hand and orange juice. He placed one glass each in front of us on the old wooden coffee table and snatched the bottle of vodka from Remus’s hand and the second from Sirius’s.

“Right,” James began filling up each of the glasses with vodka and orange juice. “We need to all chill, relax, whatever.” He looked around the room at us. “Everyone take a glass; we’re playing Never Have I Ever.” A couple of deep breaths could be heard around the room as James walked to his turntable and turned the volume up, already easing the atmosphere. I reluctantly picked up my glass as did everyone else. James looked around at each of us. “I’ll go first! Let’s see… Never have I ever laughed out loud at a funeral!”

Both Lily and I took a drink of the vodka and orange juice, eyeing each other up in curiosity as we did so. The Marauders laughed, looking at us eagerly to explain.

“At my grandfather’s funeral, the priest tripped on his robes and almost fell into the open grave! I wasn’t the only person who laughed though,” Lily said throwing her head back laughing at the memory. Everyone’s eyes were on the red head as she closed her eyes and covered her mouth with her hand as she laughed, her long neck craning back.

“Fuck,” breathed James bringing everyone out of the hold Lily seemed to have over everyone.

“What about you Harper?” asked Remus turning his glass in his hands, his hazel eyes meeting mine.

“Uh, I just started to laugh. I couldn’t stop, I had to go outside. My mother nearly killed me when we got home.” I scoffed thinking back on the memory, taking another drink of my vodka. Remus didn’t take his eyes off me as I talked, his face unreadable but his eyes glinting with something. Curiosity perhaps? “Sorry, my story isn’t as good as Lil’s.” I shrugged. Lily smiled at me, before clearing her throat.

“It’s okay Lyra! Okay, hmm… never have I ever needed to get stitches.” Lily’s eyes widened as all of us took a drink. No one said a word, and everyone looked around the room in a guilty fashion, especially Remus. I turned my gaze towards my lap as I curled my fingers on my right hand into a fist, trying to resist the urge to touch my left shoulder – the area of my body that I needed to have stitched back together. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Remus gently touch the scars on his face, along his jawline and his neck. I drank more of my drink. I always noticed his scars, but never had I said anything to him, out of common courtesy. And also, the fact that up until the end of sixth year, the Marauders made my life at school pretty miserable.

“Fuck, I’m sorry guys.” Lily fumbled over her words, trying to apologise.

“Lily, it’s okay. How would you have known? Really.” Remus reassured her as he stood up, his glass still in his hand. “I’m just going to the bathroom. Be back in a few.” Before anyone could say anything, Remus left the room, his brow furrowed together, his fingers tightly wrapped around his glass, his knuckles turning white.

As I watched him leave, my hands fumbled around in my handbag, searching for my cigarettes and a lighter. When I finally found them, I put one between my lips wishing my hand would stop shaking, and was just about to light it when James spoke up.

“Whoa Lyra, we can’t smoke inside. My parents will kill me if the house smells like smoke.” I nodded in understanding, standing up to go outside. As I was leaving the room, I heard Sirius say to James “man, you called Harper by her first name.”

I paused for a moment outside the door and heard James reply, “yeah so? She’s not that bad Padfoot. Now let’s try this game again.”

I felt my heart swell as I processed the words when I was walking down the stairs towards the backyard. It was easy enough to find even though this was my first time in James’s house. Once I stepped outside into the mild summer air and closed the back door behind me, I took a deep shaky breath in, closing my eyes as the images flashed around me. The scar itched and burned despite it being fully healed. 

“Needed a moment too?” I nearly jumped out of my skin, my hand reaching for my wand, my eyes scanning the large backyard and finally landing on Remus who was sitting in a gazebo, a cigarette casually dangling between his lips. “It’s okay, Lyra, I don’t bite. Come sit.”

Once I felt like I could move again after my fright, I moved towards the gazebo and sat opposite Remus. He never took his eyes off me, from when I started walking towards him to when I finally lit my own cigarette. After inhaling a long drag of smoke, I finally met his eye. Remus smiled softly at me and I shyly returned the same.

“You called me by my first name,” I said as I softly rolled the cigarette between my thumb and index finger. I watched as a slight tint of red flushed to Remus’s cheeks. It made my heart flutter.

“Is that okay?” he asked watching me intensely. I nodded. He smiled before sighing, “I hope I didn’t make Lily feel too bad about her question, sometimes the digs and the stares get a bit much.” His fingers grazed across a scar that ran from his left cheek down his neck, about ten centimetres long. I found myself wanting to comfort him, to run my fingers along his scars, through his hair. I held myself back.

“Don’t worry, she’ll be okay. They’ve continued with the game without us.” This made Remus laugh. I couldn’t help but smile. “She didn’t mean to hurt your feelings by the way, she probably didn’t think her question through. Lil may be the smartest person in school but sometimes she doesn’t think things through,” We both laughed. I found myself staring at his scars without even realising I was doing it. I saw the ends of my hair turn bright yellow. Embarrassment.

“Do you wanna know how I got them?” He asked, still smiling.

“No… if you wanna tell me, you can, but not if it’s something that is hard for you.”

Remus stood up, putting his cigarette in the ashtray. He extended his hand to me, and I shakily placed my hand in his. Curse my unsteady hands. Without warning, Remus pulled me up onto my feet, and into a hug. I was so surprised that it took the wind out of me. I felt his arms wrap around me, his breath on my neck, his hands on the small of my back. I could feel him breathe against me, his chest slowly rising and falling. Taking a breath in, I relaxed and hugged him back. Besides my father and Lily, no one else has ever hugged me. I felt tears well in my eyes. Just as quickly as he pulled me into his embrace, Remus released me, but kept one hand on my upper arm. I batted my eyelashes a few times to hide my watery eyes, hoping they would dry quickly.

“That was for being understanding to both me and Lily. Most people would think that Lily was trying to be an insensitive bitch, and most would jump at the chance to know why I have so many scars." he paused. "And it was also an apology, in a way… for being a dick to you over the years. You’re alright y’know?” Remus chuckled. “I’m sorry Lyra, hopefully I can make it up to you one day.” Remus stood over six feet tall, so to properly look at him when we were standing, I had to crane my neck upwards. When I looked up at him, his eyes were soft and sweet, enchanting in a sense. My heart thudded against my rib-cage.

“Let’s go,” Remus said, gently leading me back inside with his hand moving to rest on the small of my back.


	5. you're getting me all confused.

I woke up as the sun hit my face. My mouth felt disgusting and my head was pounding. After the group loosened up, the more we drank. I don’t even remember falling asleep, the last thing I remember is dancing, with Sirius of all people.

I stretched out my fingers, trying to adjust my eyes to the bright light in the room. There were soft cotton sheets under my fingers, and as I blinked in the morning light, I realised that I was in a bed in a room that I didn’t recognise. It also came to my realisation that I was just wearing my bra and my underwear. I groaned softly, hoping that I stripped alone and tried to turn over to face the other side of the bed, but I nearly screamed once I realised that I wasn’t alone in the bed. Someone’s arm was wrapped around my waist, my bare waist. My heart began thumping, my blood rushing to my ears. Finally, I managed to turn over without waking the person beside me. That person was Remus Lupin. My heart began thumping even harder.

Remus lay asleep cuddled up to me. He looked so peaceful and harmless, like a small lamb. A small lamb covered in scars. I slowly freed my arm, which was previously acting as a small barrier between our naked torsos. Knowing that this would be most likely the only opportunity I had to properly study Remus’s face and scars, I took it. Gently I ran my fingers over his scars; from the one on his forehead, to the one under his right eye, to the one on his left cheek down to his neck and from there the scars on his shoulders and chest. He had so many, I was transfixed. The only thing that stopped me was his hand catching mine, holding it still against his chest.

“Morning,” he said, his voice still groggy with sleep. His eyes were still sleepy, but they didn’t leave my face.

I felt my cheeks reddened in both bashfulness and embarrassment. “Morning,” I said trying not breaking away from his gaze. Remus brushed some of my hair away from my face, tugging my hair behind my ear. He ran his fingers down my jaw and neck, over my collar bone, finally stopping at the top of my shoulder. I felt a shiver run through my body when his fingers made contact with the top of the scar. Remus’s eyes narrowed and shifted his arm so he could move his fingers along the scar. The old, jagged scar ran from the top of my left shoulder across to where it stopped above my right hip. Ugly and a constant reminder of things I would rather forget. I squeezed my eyes shut while Remus’s fingers trailed along my scar, even finding the smaller scars that lived alongside it. Feeling overwhelmed, I grabbed Remus’s forearm. He knew that I wanted him to stop, and thankfully he did so.

“If you want to tell me, you can, but not if it’s something too hard for you.” Remus whispered, echoing my words from last night. I opened my eyes to see him studying my face intensely.

In that moment I wanted to kiss Remus Lupin. The same Remus Lupin who stood ideally by for six years while his two best friends – James Potter and Sirius Black – made my time at Hogwarts miserable. Every day they called me a freak, a weirdo, told people to stay away from me, from the very first day of first year, basically up until the last day of sixth year. Remus never said those things about me, but he never stopped James and Sirius from saying what they said. But now I’m here lying in bed with Remus Lupin. And he’s looking at me with his heart-melting eyes, one of his hands holding mine against his chest, the other on my back that is slowly moving us closer together. Or is that me leaning more into him? My breathing is becoming shallow in anticipation, as is his. It feels like at any second my heart might explode, but that wouldn’t matter, I’d still kiss him. His eyes flick down towards my lips and back to my eyes and I feel my cheeks redden again. He moves his hand to the nape of my neck, pulling me towards him.

Just as our lips are about to meet, the door to the bedroom swings wide open. We jump apart, our eyes focusing on the person standing in the doorway. Our stares of annoyance quickly become stares of fear as an older looking woman – who must be James Potter’s mother – looks at us up and down, the expression of disbelief spreading across her face.

“Remus Lupin!” She exclaims, her hand clutching the top of her light summer jacket against her breastbone. Before Remus could even close his mouth to begin forming a reply, Mrs. Potter turns on her heel and rushes towards a different room. We could hear another door swing open, bouncing against the wall behind it. We could also hear Mrs. Potter yelp in shock.

Remus turned to me, “Get dressed, quick!” We fumbled out of whoever’s bed we were in and threw on our clothes as we located them around the room. In a matter of seconds, we have our clothes on, although rather haphazardly mind you. We rushed out of the bedroom, towards the room – was it a sitting room? – we were partying in last night. I tried raking my fingers through my hair as I threw my things into my shoulder-bag, but it wasn’t making me look any more presentable. As I was flinging my lighter into my bag and pulling my fingers through my hair one of my rings got tangled in my hair. I let out a small yelp of shock as I tried to yank my finger loose, not realising how badly tangled it was. Before I could even speak, Remus was by my side, one of his hands holding mine that was on my head, the other carefully untangling my hair from my ring.

“What does yellow mean?” he asked softly, his thumb lightly rubbing across my knuckles.

“Uh, embarrassment.” I didn’t even think to check – or ask anyone – the colour of my hair today. I like to know so I can’t be caught off guard. Sometimes it’s infuriating that I’ve linked my metamorphic abilities to my emotions. Of course I can use it however and whenever I please but the colour of my hair and eyes revert back to my emotions, I can will it away but I’m so accustomed to it now that I don’t try change it.

“There.” Remus said pulling my hand free. I was so lost in thought for a few moments that I almost forgot what was happening around me, to me. Remus didn’t let go of my hand. “We gotta go,” he said pulling me towards the stairs. We began hurrying down the stairs as raised voices became clearer from further down the hallway, in the direction of the room we slept in last night. In the light of day, James’s house seemed huge. I linked my fingers with Remus’s.

“Moony, Harper,” a voice appeared behind us. We dropped each other’s hands and turned to see Peter Pettigrew standing at the top of the stairs. I had almost forgot he was even here, he’s so quiet and mousy. “We gotta get outta here, Mrs. Potter is on the warpath. Don’t even know where old Potter is.”

“Where’s Lily?” I asked Peter as he made his way towards us.

“She was with Prongs last night, and that’s where his mum is right now,” Peter paused, his small, watery eyes darting between me and Remus. “Evans is probably getting her ass handed to her, that’s Mrs. Potter shouting.” Peter waved his hand back towards the direction he came from.

“I gotta go get her,” I started back up the stairs.

“Lyra!” Remus called after me. I turned between steps to see him following me. “What are you doing? The Potters are lovely people but they’re old fashioned. They believe that ladies should be ladies and men gotta be gentlemen. No drinking underage, no smoking. Definitely no sex before marriage. You’ll get your ass handed to you too.”

I shrugged, “That’s nothing new to me, but it is to Lily.” Remus studied my face for a moment before sighing.

“Fine. C’mon then.” He turned to Peter who was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. “Wormtail?”

“Nah, fuck that.” With that Peter turned on his heel towards the room with the fireplace. We stood on the stairs in slight disbelief as we heard a whooshing noise. Peter had gone.

“How loyal,” I remarked. Remus rolled his eyes but smiled at me. Remus took my hand as we walked back up the stairs. I felt my heart skip a beat. The angry voices got clearer and louder the further we walked down the hallway. James’s house felt huge now. The hallway was wide and lined with art and personal photographs. It was hard wood floored with creaked a little as we walked towards the end of the hallway. There was a tall window at the end allowing in an ample amount of light. It made me squint my eyes to stop it hurting my head.

The bedroom door was opened when we reached it. We let go of each other’s hands before the others had the chance to see us. Inside was James, Lily, Sirius, and Mrs Potter. Lily was only wearing a man’s t-shirt, while both boys were only wearing sweatpants, their torsos bare. Mrs Potter stood over the three teenagers, her hands on her hips, a fury in her eyes.

“James. I am just so disappointed in you. You father and I allowed to stay home this weekend without us trusting that you wouldn’t break the rules. And what do you do? Break the rules. How many times have I told you how much I despise house parties?!” James opened his mouth to defend himself, but his mother held up her hand, stopping him. “And not to even mention how I found you two.” She glared at James and Lily. Lily’s cheeks were beet red. Mrs Potter took a deep breath but before she could continue, Remus spoke up.

“Mrs Potter,” Remus stepped forward, with me following timidly. Mrs Potter gasped with a fright, not expecting to see us. “This isn’t just James’s fault, it’s my fault too, you see-”

“Remus!” She interrupted before ordering, “Sit. Your friend too.” Remus looked back at me, a look of regret fleeting across his face. We both walked across the room and sat beside James, Lily and Sirius on the couch that James had in his room. I bunched up what I could of the fabric of my trousers between my fingers and flattened it out again. I continued doing this to try steady my thoughts. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

“I don’t know you,” Mrs Potter said directed at me. I looked up from hands, her icy cold eyes meeting mine.

“Uh, I’m Lyra, Mrs Potter. Lyra Harper.”

“Harper?” she raised an eyebrow. “Reginald and Ethel Harper’s daughter?” I nodded. “I know your parents. I don’t doubt that they would be shocked at what carried on here last night. Drunken half naked teenagers cosied up around my house, the smell of cigarettes and alcohol wafting from you all.” Mrs Potter stared at us all, before deeply sighing, her hands dropping from her hips. “Remus, Lily, Lyra. You should go home. I trust that you will consider what you have all done and how it was a great disrespect to me and my home. As for you boys,” she turned to James and Sirius. “I’ll deal with you both after you tidy the house. I want it spotless.” Mrs Potter turned to leave but paused, looking back at me, Remus, and Lily. “I’ll be contacting all of your parents.” The three of us went to object or plead our cases but before we could Mrs Potter left the room. The sound of her heels clicking against the hard wood floor was the only sound in the room. After a few heavy moments of silence, Lily was the first to speak.

“I’m fucked,” she stood up and with her back to us pulled on her floral skirt that was lying in a heap on the floor at the end of the bed. I clenched my jaw and focused on my breathing as the boys began talking amongst themselves while Lily continued getting dressed.

“Remus shit I’m sorry man, I’ll try get my mum to not tell your parents,” that was the first time I heard James actually call Remus by his name, not his peculiar nickname. James was taking this seriously. Remus replied to James, but I couldn’t hear what he said, I was too lost in my own thoughts. If James’s parents knew my parents, then surely, they must know what happened. Does that mean James knows? Is that why he chose me as a target to bully? Is that why he allowed me to come to his party, he matured and realised what happened wasn’t anything you should bully someone over? If James knows, who else has he told? I keep this private for a reason, Hogwarts is notorious for gossip and the last thing I need or want is the jeers and sneers of mocking to turn into jeers and sneers of disgust and hatred. I don’t know how I would deal with hearing the whispers around the castle; “did you hear what happened to that weird girl from Gryffindor?” would be tame but if I heard the dreaded “she killed someone!” whispers I think I would throw myself off the tallest tower in Hogwarts. People wouldn’t care to try find the true, the real story of what happened to Vega. They would just presume that I was the cause of my brother’s death.

I stood suddenly, drawing everyone’s attention to me. My tongue felt heavy in my mouth, but I managed to say “Thanks for inviting me James but your mum wanted us gone, so we better go. See ya later.” Before James or anyone else could say anything for that matter, I walked straight out of the bedroom, my head pounding, my palms sweaty. I could hear footsteps behind me, my name being called out, but I didn’t stop until I was in the room with the fireplace.

Someone’s hand grabbed my arm as I scooped a handful of Floo powder in my own hand. I pulled away forcefully, my eyes and hair turning grey with fear and uncertainty. It was Remus who grabbed my arm. I instantly felt bad as I saw him register the fear in my eyes.

“Lyra,” Remus said softly, an almost whisper. There were so many emotions in his eyes, I couldn’t even register them all in my mind.

“I gotta go,” I whispered turning towards the fireplace. I opened my fingers a bit and looked at the Floo powder running between them, hitting the granite fireplace like sand, like time itself. There was a lump in my throat, and I couldn’t speak. I just stood there, my head hanging, the opportunity to leave without questions slipping by. An arm snaked across my shoulders, pulling me close to the sweet floral scent of Lily’s hair.

“Are you okay?” Lily whispered to me. “Did something happened last night?” she glanced back to Remus, her eyes accusing.

“What?! No, nothing happened. I just gotta get home.”

“But you hate your home,” Lily was still whispering, but it didn’t matter because the three boys were standing silently behind us, listening intensely.

“Hah, Prongs, maybe you should offer a room to Lyra here like you did with me. Potter Mansion: home for the disowned and outcasts!” Sirius chuckled nudging James with his elbow. I looked back at the three boys, who were all watching me.

“Maybe one day I’ll need that room James,” I said as I walked into the fireplace as they chuckled light-heartedly. With my heart still pounding with the fear that they all know what happened – or will soon know – I turned to all of them one last time and said “I guess I’ll see you all when school starts. Thanks, bye.” I cleared my throat and before anyone could say anything I proclaimed, “Harper Household, Cokeworth.” And threw the Floo powder into the fireplace.

Green flames danced around me and suddenly I was back in my house. Grey and dreary. Part of me wished the Floo powder hadn’t worked, that I was still at James’s house with Lily and those boys. And Remus. Well, whatever.

The smell of alcohol assaulted my nose as soon as I opened the door to the hallway. Above me I could hear my mother shuffle around her room, her heels clicking against the wooden floors. Slowly I began my ascent towards my room, careful to advert my eyes from the photograph of Vega. Always careful of that. At the top of the stairs I slipped my shoes off, and softly crept towards my mother’s room, avoiding the creaky floorboards. Once outside her door, I could hear her talking to herself.

“And I didn’t want to be here, exiled and alone with _them_ ,” she spat. “I didn’t even want to be a mother, but at least Vega was someone worth loving. Stupid slut and her incompetence, how could she –” I heard enough. With heavy shoulders and a sore heart, I walked into my room, shutting the door behind me. Shutting everything out.


	6. i just want to make sure you're okay (okay)

My mother stood outside the compact grey car, her hands firmly planted on her hips, her foot tapping impatiently against the footpath. It took a great deal of self-restraint to not snap at her to help me with my luggage, but I wanted to just leave and get to Hogwarts without a huge argument. As I was dragging my large trunk to the boot of the car we borrowed from the neighbours, my dad appeared behind me and smiled as he helped me boost it into the boot. That was the last of my stuff. Finally. I scooted into the backseat, shoving my things over to the right side, careful not to startle my owl, Poe, who was in his bird cage beside me, his wide eyes watching my every move. After a few moments, my parents got themselves situated in the front of the car and we were off towards King’s Cross station; the train station that the Hogwarts Express departs from. I was hoping for a silent journey to London, but it was looking like I wasn’t going to get my wish.

“So, Lyra, seventh year! Last year of Hogwarts!” I looked at the rear-view mirror and saw my dad beaming at me. “How are you feeling?”

“Good, I guess. Lily said –”

“Speak up Lyra, no one can understand you when you mutter.” My mother snapped. I looked at my dad in the rear-view mirror again and saw my hair turning a dark fiery red. Anger. I cleared my throat.

“I said that Lily has offered to help me study for the N.E.W.T.S. I’m probably gonna take her up on it, she’s the smartest person in our year. She’s gonna be our Head Girl, she told me last week when she–” My mother scoffed. “What now?”

“Nothing.” My mother paused. “I just find it ridiculous that the smartest person in your year is a muggleborn witch! It goes to show how lazy some people are getting when it comes to educating their pure-blood children. Wizardry and witchcraft are sacred things and some people are forgetting that.”

“Yeah? Like who?” I rolled my eyes.

“Take the Blacks. They have a boy in your year, don’t they? And from what I’ve heard he runs wild, disrespecting his parents, not appreciating – and relishing in – the fact that he was born a pure-blood wizard in a great wizarding household! Just entirely ungrateful. And then these _mudbloods_ waltz in there, acting like they own the place.” My mother turned in her seat to face me, her eyes narrow, her lips pursed. “If I ever catch wind that you are disrespecting our name and the lineage you come from, I’ll have nothing to do with you anymore. We are a pure-blood family Lyra and it will stay that way. I have accepted what you did to your brother, but I will not accept tarnishing this family’s blood. Do I make myself clear?”

I held my mother’s stare. “Yeah, you do: ‘don’t go getting knocked up by any mudbloods Lyra, you’ll doom us all and we’ll have to kill you and your dirty baby.’” I mocked, the pitch of my voice rising, the features of my face changing ever so slightly so I looked more like my mother. “Is that about right?” My mother glared at me as I smiled at her, not letting her see that I was truly bothered by her words. A thick layer of tension filled the small Morris Marina that was driving along the motorway. I could see a bead of sweat form at my dad’s temple.

“How about we turn the radio on?” My father broke the silence, hastily switching the radio on to some man talking about a sports game. No one said a word, but my mother finally turned back around in her seat, opening her window, and lighting up one of her foul-smelling cigarettes. I wish I could disappear.

Timed ticked on as the road whizzed by and before I knew it, we were at the train station. I kept my eyes on my trolley I was pushing before me the entire time we walked through the station, even when we ran through the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Platform Nine and Three-Quarters was excitingly busy, every student in Hogwarts was here with their family, awaiting to board the Hogwarts Express. I kept my eye out for Lily as we made our way through the crowd towards the end of the train, where the carriages are reserved for Seventh Years. Finally, I saw her fiery red hair standing at the door of the back carriage, her back turned to me, and as if she sensed I was here, she turned around, her face breaking into a wide smile. I couldn’t help but smile back. I picked up my pace and soon Lily had wrapped her arms around me. It felt like I could breathe again as I hugged her back, all the tensions of the car journey here melting away, like a forgotten memory. My mother cleared her throat and scoffed lightly. Lily and I broke our embrace and turned to my parents.

“Well,” I said leaning on the balls of my feet as Lily brought Poe into the compartment we stood outside of. “I guess I better get on, it’s almost 11 o’clock.” My dad pulled me into his arms as my mother lit up another one of her cigarettes. I hugged my dad tightly as I whispered, “I’ll write to you soon.” I pulled away and he smiled at me. It could have been my imagination, but I think I saw his eyes get watery. I moved to stand before my mother, where she craned her neck towards me. Dutifully I complied and gave her a kiss on her cheek. I stood back before she could do the same to me. I grabbed my trunk and stood inside the carriage door, “I’ll see you at Christmas. Bye!” My dad called out that he loves me, and my mother just smirked at me as I dragged my trunk to the compartment that Lily was in. It was the very last one on the train, the observation car, which meant that it had a little open-aired “deck” right at the end of the carriage. Great for fresh air and smoking before getting to Hogwarts. I smiled softly as I turned towards the front of the train and tried to drag my trunk that way as it was incredibly heavy.

“Need a hand?” It was like his voice appeared from nowhere and I froze in my tracks as a jolt of fright ran through my body.

“You’re making a habit of that,” I said as I turned towards Remus who was standing at the door of the compartment. He smiled at me.

“Habit of what?” he pondered as he moved towards me, stopping just centimetres away from my face, a cheeky smile on his lips. My breath hitched in my throat. I could smell how warm and inviting he was, and it was making my mind fuzzy. I met his eye which didn’t help with trying to breathe. Remus’s eyes were like the colour of a vast forest; so many different shades of green at the same time. Near his pupils, the green was so light, like how cheerful all the foliage looks after a day of rain. Remus reached behind me, moving his body closer to me, essentially pressing his body against mine. I felt his fingers wrap around the same strap on my trunk that I was holding.

“I’ve been thinking about you,” he whispered as his lips grazed past my ear. Shivers ran down my spine as he pulled my trunk around me. My eyes fluttered to his fingers wrapped around the strap on my trunk in an attempt to ground me, but I was powerless and found myself looking into his eyes again. I could feel my cheeks reddened as he ran his empty hand through his hair. In this light I could all the scars on his face and neck and suddenly I was back in that bed in James’s house, half naked and cuddled up to Remus.

“You- you have?” I swallowed but I found that my mouth was suddenly very dry.

“Mmhmm… I was worried about you. You seemed really upset when you left James’s house that morning. I wanted to follow you after you left but Lily stopped me.” With his free hand Remus tucked a strand of my hair that had fallen in front of my left eye behind my ear. As he was pulling his hand back, he gently ran his thumb along my jaw. I inhaled deeply. “And I was kinda pissed that we were interrupted that morning.” Remus added with a cheeky smirk. I chuckled lightly which made Remus smile widely. “Maybe we should try it again sometime.”

“I- I-” Fumbling over my words. Great. I wanted to be flirty back, but I was utterly clueless about flirting or relationships or anything in that realm. Hell, I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. I licked my lips and found myself thinking about all the romantic ways Remus would kiss me. The thumping of blood in my ears brought me back to reality. Remus was looking at me, his head tilted, his eyes warm.

“Hey, I don’t need an answer now. Think about it.” He winked at me and began walking towards the compartment, my trunk in tow. Somehow, I willed my feet to move and followed him, anxiously picking at my nails.

Once I reached the compartment door I could see that it was nearly full inside. Lily and James sat by the window opposite each other. Beside James was Peter Pettigrew, and opposite him was Sirius Black. Remus was lifting my trunk onto the overhead storage area. I hesitated outside, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed.

“Harper,” Sirius called out. “C’mon and sit down. The train will be moving in a few seconds.” I stepped inside to the carpeted train compartment and sat on the cushy seat beside Sirius. I bent forward to put my bag at my feet on the train floor. The cool air tickled my lower back as my t-shirt rode up a little. I sat up straight, crossing my legs and glanced towards Sirius beside me. When I saw Sirius staring at me, his eyes darting from mine to my back it dawned on me that he saw the tail end of my scar. My breath hitched in my throat as I caught his eye.

“Please, don’t,” I barely managed to mutter out that whisper, but Sirius somehow managed to hear me. He narrowed his eyes but nodded. I turned my gaze down towards my hands where I started picking at my nails again. I tried desperately to calm myself down, but my pulse started to pound in my ears, my heart hammer against my chest, trying to escape its cage. The train pulled away from the station, methodically yet with haste. I stood up suddenly as the feeling in my chest tightened, losing my balance almost immediately as the train picked up speed. I threw my hand out to brace myself for at least a minor slam against the car walls. But it never came. Everything was blurry and I couldn’t catch my breath.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked, one of his arms wrapped around my waist, the other pushed against the compartment wall. I looked at Remus’s arms, and it was then I realised it wasn’t just him who was holding onto me. Another hand was on my back. On my bare skin. I looked up to see Sirius standing beside me. It was his hand on my back, his fingers touching my scar. I never feel so ugly and twisted as I do when my scar is touched.

“I’m fine,” I pulled away from both of them, while yanking my t-shirt back down. “I just have to go to the bathroom.” Before either of them could speak, or anyone else for that matter I rushed out of the compartment towards the bathrooms on board.

The bathrooms were three cars away. Three cars full of people who were happy and socialising and blocking the hallways. But I needed to get there, to lock myself away for a moment. To think. To calm myself down. Why I am like this? I pushed past the first group of people I encountered. They were lingering outside a compartment, probably catching up after the summer. When I passed them, I could swear that they were laughing at me. Why were they laughing at me? Was my face all red? Did I have something on my face? Maybe I pissed my pants a little bit when I fell and didn’t notice until now? Maybe I’m just the type of person people laugh at irregardless? Fuck, I need to get to the bathroom.

Halfway through the second car, the crowds of people hanging outside their compartments were so dense that I had to push my way through. At the end of the second car, I stopped at the door that led to the third car. I could see through the glass panels on the doors how long the queue for the bathroom was; at least twenty people standing in the queue, some bobbing their legs and fidgeting to stop from pissing themselves. I shook my head and moved into the small alcove beside the door that people use to step aside for others. I opened the window there and pulled out a cigarette. My hands were shaking as I tried to light a match.

“Y’know, having a cig after a panic attack isn’t the best idea,” I lurched back, wholly unaware that Sirius was standing beside me. He took the matches from my hands and lit one for me, cupping the flame with his hand. I moved cautiously towards the flame, lighting my cigarette before quickly moving back against the wall. Sirius blew out the match and threw it out the window. I watched as it disappeared into the world that we were moving by so quickly, everything distorted with shades of green and blue and brown and grey.

“I didn’t have a panic attack,” I said, not looking away from the countryside opening before me. Sirius laughed as I heard him strike the head of a match against the rough almost sandpaper like outside of the matchbox.

“Trust me Lyra, I know a panic attack when I see one.” Now I looked at him, his face sincere and his eyes full of what? Pity? Honesty? Sincerity? It could have been all three of those emotions, and it could have been neither. I wanted to say something, let him know he could talk to me but before I could he spoke again, softly. “I won’t tell anyone y’know… about your scar.” I turned away from him once more. I didn’t know what to say to him. Did he want to know how I got the scar? Or why it made me have a panic attack? Why did he follow me? What did he say to the others? What were they thinking right now? What was Remus thinking?

Sirius moved closer to me, ashing his cigarette out the window. He didn’t say anything. Neither did I. We both leaned against the window frame, smoking our cigarettes, watching as the English countryside passed us by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "will he" by joji :)


	7. painted with a scar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from little dark age by mgmt <3

By the time we returned to the compartment, it was lunch. Sirius entered first, I followed my head bowed. Everyone stopped eating and turned to us with an array of difference looks on their faces. Lily looked concerned, her eyebrows knotted together in a slight furrow, and it was clear that she was biting the inside of her cheek. Peter Pettigrew looked almost amused, as if he were enjoying the show, but kept glancing towards James as if waiting for his cue to say or do something. On the other hand, James looked annoyed. No, he looked pissed off. He sat back in his seat when we walked through the door, his lips pulled into a tight line, his stare cold. He quite clearly made a show of staring at Sirius, then me and then finally Remus.

Remus. I finally looked at him. His face was soft, his eyes heavy and sad. Remus sighed deeply and turned his face away from me, looking out towards the rolling fields of the English countryside.

I’ve hurt him. He must think I’ve done something with Sirius. I need to tell him. I need him to know that what he must be thinking right now is not the truth. I swallow, ready to speak up but I don’t get the chance.

“What’s going on here?” James’s voice is like I’ve never heard it before. It makes me flinch away. It’s cold and harsh and wholly unlike him. Yes, James borderline tormented me for years but even then he never sounded like he does now. He’s angry, genuinely angry.

“Prongs, chill, it’s not what you think it is,” Sirius plops back down in his seat, smirking at James.

“What do I think it is Sirius?”

“You think me and Harper here snuck off to make out, or shag, or something along those lines,” Sirius shrugged like it was nothing, like the tension in the tiny train compartment wasn’t so thick that it was becoming muggy. “Well, it didn’t happen. You don’t have to get your knickers in a bunch.”

“I know you’re full of shit Sirius,” James rolled his eyes and looked at me. “As for you Harper, is this what you wanted? To come into our group and lead Remus on and then go fuck Sirius to get to him? To fuck us up?”

“What?! James I never–” James held his hand up as if to dismiss me and scoffed. In the pit of my stomach, I could feel fire, the one I associate with my anger towards my mother. After my whole life being dismissed by my mother, being dismissed by James Potter, a boy my own age made the fire burn hotter than before. James Potter who hated me so much for what?! I never did anything to him! Does he really think I'm beneath him? Lesser than him?

“Prongs… forget… doesn’t matter… shit…” Remus stood up with his back to me, and started to say something to James but the boiling blood in my ears made it difficult to hear him despite being mere centimetres away. I looked down at my hands until my eyes became unfocused. In a faraway distance I could faintly hear Lily calling my name.

“You wanna know why me and Sirius were gone so long?” I snapped, grabbing everyone’s attention. Lily’s eyes were as wide as saucers, Peter was taken aback, James seemed shocked at first but nodded. Sirius jumped up beside me, grabbed my wrist and started whispering something to me, but I completely blocked him out. I was entirely focused on Remus. I held his gaze, his forest green eyes staring intently into mine. “This is why,” I stepped two steps backwards, turned to face the compartment door, and swiftly pulled my t-shirt over my head, holding it against my chest. My heart was thumping so loudly that it almost covered the gasp from behind me. Almost.

From the top of my left shoulder all the way to my right hip, the scar was startling and massive. It was a mangled mess of skin, so red and angry. All over my back it was jagged, like a major river with all its little streams and creeks, long and livid. It was clear that this scar was born from violence, nothing else. I turned to face everyone again. As Sirius and Remus were the only two who knew about my scar they were less shocked, but still quite as neither knew the extent of it. Peter couldn’t meet my eye. Lily’s hands were clamped over her mouth, her eyes watery. James was as pale as a sheet.

“Sirius saw the end of my scar when I bent over earlier, and I- I freaked out. After all you put me through for like six years I was afraid, that like you’d show the whole school or something,” I started putting my t-shirt back on. “I just freaked out. Sirius came to check on me. He said I had a panic attack or something. I dunno.” I shrugged as I pulled my t-shirt down, hiding my scar once more. I only looked at Remus, it was all I could handle at that moment. He looked so apologetic, so understanding. All I wanted was to kiss him, but I resisted. “I’m not trying to fuck everything up for the group. I wanna be your friend. I know that sounds so stupid but I do. And earlier, Sirius was a friend to me.” I dropped my eyes to the floor, the reality of what I just did suddenly dawning on me. I exposed myself, the part of myself I hated the most. To do what? Prove them wrong? To make them all feel bad for questioning my intentions? To get one back at James? I picked at my fingernails, the sounds of the train and the people before me washing over me. I didn’t even realise that anyone had moved until the fiery red hair of Lily Evans whooshed towards me as arms wrapped around me.

“Lyra,” Lily said hugging me tightly. Her voice sounded croaky, like she was trying not to cry. “I’m so sorry.” I wrapped my arms around her too, pulling her close and burying my face in her hair. Lily pulled back from our embrace and tenderly cupped my face, making me look at her. Her bright green eyes were watery, and her face held a look of profound concern. “Lyra, you don’t have to tell us anything about it. We…” Lily glanced back at James who was watching us with growing intensity. “We just assumed the most obvious thing when Sirius followed you… I’m so sorry.”

I pushed Lily’s hair back from her face, smiling slightly. “Stop apologising Lil, you didn’t know. It’s fine, now can we just forget it?” Lily’s brows creased but she nodded and stepped back, but held my hand in hers.

“Lyra –” James started to say but I held my free hand up to stop him.

“It’s fine James, really. Can we just eat lunch?” James opened his mouth to protest but I plopped down on the seat where I had left my bag – the bloody thing that started this ordeal – and retrieved my lunch; Greek salad made by my father with extra olives in small jar for later. As the others who were standing sat back down, I smiled at the jar knowing that my father was thinking of me and wanted to show it in a small way. The atmosphere was still tense in the compartment and I could people’s eyes on me. As I was swallowing the first mouthful of my salad, Remus spoke up, easing the tension almost immediately.

“So… how much trouble did everyone get into after James’s party?” as if they were expecting Remus’s question, James and Sirius started telling the story of how Mrs. Potter punished them for the party; scrubbing the manor from head to toe and weeding the entire garden (which was absurdly large). As we all relaxed and listened to their story, Remus caught my eye and smiled warmly. It finally felt like I could breathe again.

With the unlidded jar of olives in my hand, I extended my arm towards Remus. He looked at the contents of the jar and chuckled lightly before popping the olive into his mouth, watching me do the same. It wasn’t an olive branch but I think it did the trick. 


	8. when the unknown will surround you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from the song levitation by beach house <3

The Hogwarts Express pulled into Hogsmeade station right on schedule. The sun had just set, the sky alive with oranges, pinks, and reds, but deepening purple and dark blue towards the west as night approached.

Lily and I were in the girl’s bathroom; now empty only for the two of us. I sat on the edge of the sink, watching Lily fix her makeup and hair in the mirror. Lily was tying back the top section of her hair with a red and gold ribbon, wrapping the fabric around her delicate fingers as she gathered the right amount of hair for her half up-half down do. Once satisfied, she ran her comb through her fringe, purposefully pulling a few strands of hair free from her ribbon.

“You’re staring at me Lyra,” she laughed flicking her hair off her shoulders.

“I’m just interested that’s all,” I shrugged lightly as I hopped down from the sink, grabbing Lily’s Head Girl badge as I did. I shimmied in between Lily and the mirror and took the left side of her school robe in my hands. “I’m proud of you Lil,” I pushed the badge pin through the fabric and attached the fastener to the back, right over Lily’s heart. “You deserve it. You’re the best witch in the whole school.” I straightened the badge and hugged Lily. I could tell she was surprised as she knew me to be someone who didn’t initiate hugs, but she quickly hugged me back.

“We better get going, hopefully there’s a carriage left! I think the boys went ahead without us.” Lily said as she let go of me, shoving her makeup and accessories into her bag. As we were leaving the bathroom, I glanced at the mirror and saw my hair was light orange with stripes of a pear green. Anxious yet excited. Two emotions that can feel eerily similar.

As we walked towards the spot where the carriages are kept, Lily and I were glad to see there was one final carriage left, but it was occupied.

“Ladies,” Sirius was leaning against the back of the carriage, a cigarette dangling between his lips. “Thanks for finally joining us.” We rolled our eyes at each other as we came to halt in front of Sirius. “Let’s go!” Sirius hopped up onto the carriage and looked expectantly at me and Lily. Inside the carriage was James, Remus, and Peter. Including Sirius made four, which meant there was no space for me and Lily.

“Uh, it’s full,” I said, which made me feel stupid for even pointing that out, as if everyone else here didn’t already know that. Sirius was still standing and offered a hand to me. I looked at Lily before taking his hand and stepping up onto the carriage.

“I know it’s full,” Sirius smirked letting go of my hand and offering his to Lily. “You’re just gonna have to buddy up.” He glanced back at Remus who was sitting at the front of the carriage, an open book on his lap. Lily was now standing behind me, which made me move towards the middle of the carriage, which was awkward as everyone’s legs and bags were spread out there. I looked back at Lily behind me who had situated herself on James’s lap in the seat beside Remus and felt Sirius slip into the seat opposite Remus. James’s eyes darted up at me, lingering for a moment as if he wanted to say something.

Finally, I looked at Remus who was pretending to read his book, but I could see the smirk across his face even in the fading daylight. I cleared my throat to which Remus looked up at me and dramatically moved the book from his lap, holding the cloth bound book in his right hand. Taking a deep breath, I dropped my bag and cautiously sat on his lap, turning my back towards the rear-end of the carriage, keeping my eye only on the two Thestrals that pull the carriages. They started to move towards the castle, the lights on each corner of the carriage suddenly flickering to life.

“Do you mind?” I turned my head to look at Remus; we were eye to eye which was odd as he was 6’2” and I was only 5’7”, but now with me sitting on his lap, it was if we were the same height. With the lights of the lanterns, I could now how much he was smiling, which made my cheeks flush. Remus moved his hand and I realised he wanted to rest his book on my lap.

“Sure,” I said, trying to be nonchalant but in reality sounding meek. He gently placed the book on my thighs, his eyes once again following the story on the pages before him. I returned my gaze towards the Thestrals, taking in their large, skeletal frames, occasionally flapping their bat-like leathery wings as they pulled the carriages. When I tilted my head just right, I could see their rib cages protruding through their taut skin, each vertebrae of their spines jutting from their backs. I ran my fingers along my knuckles of my left hand, pretending they were the Thestral's spines, imagining how it felt to touch one.

As we travelled down the road in the direction of the castle, the front wheel on the right side of the carriage hit a hole, making all of us jolt a bit. Remus quickly put his left hand on my back to stop me from falling backwards, his right hand on the outside of my left thigh. To steady myself in the moment I grabbed Remus, one hand holding his arm that was not across my lap, the other gripping his left shoulder. I leaned forwards, checking that the Thestrals were okay as the carriage carried after its blip. Feeling someone’s eyes on me, I turned my head to face Remus to see him glancing between me and where the Thestrals are. He must have been watching me watch them, which to him was just an empty space. 

“Can you see them?” Remus whispered, as I moved my hands back to my lap, my fingers running over my knuckles yet again. I didn’t know whether to play dumb and pretend I had no idea what he was talking about or be honest and tell him I could. But what then if he started asking questions? How was I meant to explain how I am able to see them? I guess the delay in my response was answer enough for him as Remus squeezed my thigh making me meet his eye. “Lyra… I read about them, you can only see them if you’ve seen,” Remus paused, concern written all over his face. “Lyra, you saw someone… die?”

“Don’t,” I hissed. “Remus… just drop it. Please, just pretend I can’t see them.” Remus shook his head as he moved his right hand from my thigh to my hands, holding them against the book that was still open on my lap, his eyes still on my face, trying to read my expression. I sighed, watching as the lights in the castle courtyard illuminated the Thestrals, their tough skin reflecting the warm light back, both of them content with the journey they just took, completely unaware of the can of worms their mere existence just opened.

**Author's Note:**

> story title and chapter titles are lyrics from a bunch of different songs i love.  
> thank you for reading. x


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